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I'm back bitches. [19 May 2015|07:28pm]
https://absoluteenouement.wordpress.com/

relearning webdesign to please be patient and I practice.
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[26 Dec 2006|03:28pm]
via brandnewleaf

along the way of switching journals and just "growing up" i've lost touch of a lot of people. i used to update livejournal almost daily, writing down all the mishaps and tribulations in my life. what ever happened to that? i met someone and i forgot about writing. instead of sharing secrets to a computer screen, i shared my secrets to a soul.

nights and nights of whispers and soft kisses.

i still find myself, even states away, sharing secrets to that soul. cellphones can be amazing.

but i miss this. i miss always having a journal with me. i miss talking walk by myself and writing. i don't want to say there's no more content in my life, because there is. there's so much, i just forgot how to share them.

so along with my new macbook and new camera, i need to start over. fuck. i reallly hate saying that now. there is no starting over in life. we may change our hair and buy new clothes and have a "different" outlook, but the past has shaped us.

i'm going to buy a domain, find a host, and remember how websites work again.
it's been six years and i have forgotten everything.
but this time it's going to be simple.
i'm probably still going to write in here, but everything in here will be friends only.

of course, this will probably take a couple of months.


but if i have you on this list, i've missed your rants and stories. find me on my new journal, brandnewleaf
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[13 Mar 2005|05:25pm]
it's finallllllly all done.
danceitallawaydanceitallawaydanceitallawaydanceitallawaydanceitallawaydanceitallawaydanceitallawaydanceitallawaydanceitallawaydanceitallawaydanceitallawaydanceitallawaydanceitallawaydanceitallawaydanceitallaway

you know the drill. add it. read it. love it.
(4) reply

[09 Mar 2005|10:45pm]
so it's here.

danceitallaway




the background graphics are not done yet but i just wanted it up and running.
enjoy.
this journal is going on hiatus.
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it's coming. [09 Mar 2005|04:15pm]
so tonight is the night.
my new journal will be up. new layout and everything. thank you again, fried_squirrel.
sometimes i think life really is a circle. no matter how far you think you're getting away, you'll end up in the same place you were a few whatevers ago. i guess me falling back into my phases where i can't function because i'm so depressed shows me that i'm really not happy by myself. i need to learn that.

9 more days before i'm back in california and 14 more days before i'm rocking out to the academy is and falloutboy. i don't care if they're poppy emo. i just want to sing as loud as i can and not have anyone judge me. bernard will be there holding my waist while i smile from ear to ear.

sometimes i wish shitty people would just have a sign on their forehead that says, "i'm a shitty person. don't care about me because i won't care about you." you know, that would save me alot of time and trouble.

i need to stop being so goddamn moody.
(1) reply

so i cut my hair. [06 Mar 2005|09:17pm]

four inches off.

i don't care if you hate phone pictures, i was showing bernard my hair and talking to him.
(7) reply

[04 Mar 2005|10:31am]
keep walking and don't look back.

when i shutdown, i completely shutdown. i've been walking around here with a numb and uneasy feeling. i haven't eaten much in three days. things just don't seem to be getting better.

14 more days before i see the beach.
(3) reply

[03 Mar 2005|10:33am]
let's talk about how shitty my life right now is shallwe?
actually, only one part of it.

today i had a huge midterm.
i set my alarm for 8:30pm instead of 8:30am. if i get 100's on the next two exams, i still can't get an A in that class, and that's really the only class i was hoping for an A in. another class. i could get 100's on everything and only get a 87.5 in the class. but i know i bombed the last test soooooo let's just hope for a B-. oh for math, i spend 3 hours on homework every other night. i get a 4 out of 10. he only gradse 3 problems and if your answer is wrong, yeah no points.



awesome.
and i get C-'s on the tests and D's on the quizzes. which is always great you know.

i have another test tomorrow and let's hope i do well in it.




okay, this is for people that have transfered and what not. if i fill my application our my sophomore year, are they only looking at my freshman grades cuse i'm hoping my sophomore year will bring up my freshman grades.
(3) reply

[02 Mar 2005|08:27pm]
Don't be scared to take a second for reflection,
to take a leave of absence, see what you're made of.
So I'm selfish, and you're sorry.
When I'm gone you'll be going nowhere fast.
So who's selfish, and who's sorry?


the music isn't loud enough. i need to not think. i need to lie on the grass and have the world stop. these words become so cliche and things are always going in circles.

how am i going to tell you to hold on and don't give up. don't lose faith. while i sit here and lose everything. i'm sorry, but i can't be strong right now. things are falling so fast, but that's the story of my life right?

i'm so fucking tired of feeling like this all the fucking time.

i hate losing faith in people. i hate how i've never been able to trust people and it's still the same. i hate how i can never find my home. i hate how i can't ever find genuine people. substances are only temporary.

i hate how i can't even explain what's been going on. like the pieces in my aren't together. i guess i just need someone to understand and i know everyone says they do, but everyone seems so fucking caught up in themselves that i just don't matter.

yes, i'm being selfish. and yes, i understand that people can't drop their world and tend to mine, but i just wish they won't stop pretending that that's what they'd do.

Hold your head high heavy heart.
So take a chance and make it big,
Cause it’s the last you’ll ever get.
If we don’t take it, when will we make it?



i don't know if i'm gonna transfer in another year. all these places are the same and all the people are the same and i probably won't ever find what i'm looking for in places like these but i just need constant change. i miss california. i don't really miss the people but i miss things there that were just part of me.

shopping. beaches. fucking warm weather. and i really really miss the shows.



i don't know where i'm going with any of this.
peace.
(5) reply

[28 Feb 2005|10:27pm]
so. i'm more busy than i thought i would be. which means new journal won't be up till late this weekend.
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[28 Feb 2005|03:04pm]
new journal should be up tonight.
ANYONE WANNA MAKE ME A PRETTTTY LAYOUT?
mkthanks.

so my host is gone. gonegonegone. anyone know of any good picture hosting website or anyone wanna host me? this entry might be jumpy and vague and it probably won't make sense but whatever.

i'm so over this college shit life. may 2008 is not coming fast enough. everyone that believes people mature as they get older, sorry to burst your bubble, it doesn't happen. people learn how to manipulate better and how to hurt with a smirk and "aw i'm sorry" face. they never mean "i'm sorry." but don't lose faith in people. don't become the bitter ones that sulk in their misery. please just stay strong for me.

stop acting like such a fucking martyr. this joan of arc shit pisses me off. i'm sorry other people can't see through it, but i can. and maybe you're tricking yourself into believing that you're really being a good person, but we know it's all about you.

i hate how i can find my home again and everything can be perfect for a couple of hours and things come crashing down. it's like the story of my life, but i'm going to be honset. i'm sick of this. i'm sick of be depressed and sad and hating life and losing faith.

i'm sick of how people are into the whole, "change the world" shit, i wanna make people feel better, blah blah fucking blah but when shit goes down or when something bad happens in their life, they lose all that faith. and they forget that people were counting on them. they forget that they're letting so many people down. i'm not saying to fake a smile and keep pushing forth, but don't turn your back on the people who cared.

it pisses me off that i was like that. that i was everything i hate. this fucking emo piece of shit that always went out to look for pain. fuck that. if you hurt me once, you're out and that's how it's going to be because i have enough self-respect to not be hurt again, especially by the same person.

my mind is blank and spinning at the same time so i'm going to go.
(9) reply

[26 Feb 2005|11:35am]
everyday before work, i'm sitting outside smoking a cigarette with a cup of coffe in my left hand. it's like my "me" time. you know, i'm really not getting enough of those.

easter is coming and it's reminding me of alex. cadbury eggs were always his favorite. i remember this one night we snuck out just to see each other and as we were kissing on the resevoir, he put one egg in my hand i'm sure it wasn't meant to be special or anything romantic, but that stupid fucking creme filled chocolate egg meant so much to me because it was from him.

it's funny. you tell yourself you're never gonna put yourself in that position again, but a few years roll by and you're there again, in the same spot.

i don't know why i continue talking about him like people understand what went on. i mean, it's been almost four years since we broke up.

i think i'm going to start a new journal . 1% friends only.
i've been thinking a lot and i'm always talking about starting over and changing looks and moving on and letting go, but i still grasp onto the past like i'm going to forget. and everything is going to be gone. but you know, it's really time for something new. fresh.

i don't want restrictions or barriers. i want to write about whatever and look back and think, "what the hell was i thinking then?" then that's the fun part about growing up.

i'm a little tired of reading sob stories. i wanna read about you having fun and living life. i wanna hear about your crushes and the butterflies in your stomach everytime he's around. fuck cliches. everyone gets their heartbroken. everyone falls in love. stop dwelling over things that won't matter in a few months.

i wish i could take my own advice.

aberlin/sugarcult/hawthorneheights/plainwhitet's/etc. is tomorrow night. i need monthly reminders of where i truly belong. i need to smile till my cheeks hurt. i want to get elbowed and laugh it off. i'm ready to scream and sing my heart out. tomorrow night also means me, in a skirt, dancing around and not having a care in the world. don't forget about the drunken hellos and hours of laughter.




ps. anyone wanna make me a cute spring layout for my new journal??
(6) reply

[21 Feb 2005|11:05am]
so this is it. i'm shutting down once again and it's not like i can help it. this weekend i realized i'm too dependent on bernard so things are starting to change. it's funny cuse for 17 years i've dealt with everything on my own and i was beginning to get used to it, but then bernard comes into my life and changes everything.

i'm not saying that's a bad thing at all. i'm just getting too comfortable &that makes me nervous. i've really missed writing in here but i can never gather the right words to explain how i'm feeling.

but right now i feel numb. it's been a while since i cut and i hope it stays that way. but i've been craving substances. and shows and just being home i guess.

these days i don't really get upset, but hurt. and i'm not quite sure how much more my body can take. there's like this little buzzing inside my body and each time i lie down, it's like everything is throbbing. and i don't know why. no. i just don't have time or the patience to deal with it.

god, i miss going to shows. i miss getting elbowed in the face, shaking it off, then continuing to rock out. i miss how everytime i would kinda fall, some nice young boy would hold me. i miss the ringing in my ears and smiling so much my cheeks hurt. i miss seeing people i know randomly and exchanging hugs and kisses. i miss the fact that i just feel so fucking infinite when i'm in that crowd. the night ends, but it's all okay.

i also miss my best friend. and i wish i could put into words how much she means to me and how much i need her in my life right now, but i would just cry. so i'll leave that untouched for now.

people are busy, i know.


god i'm so behind on my friend's page. i guess i just miss this community as lame as it sounds.

this weekend is the subcity take action tour with sugarcult, hawthorne heights, plain white t's, anberlin and some other bands i don't remember. i'm going with bailey and maybe she'll see what's home for me. don't get me wrong, i absolutely ADORE the people here, but it's different. as much as i love being on this computer, i think i like going to shows more, but. the scene here...just ain't happening.

i miss seeing all the scenester boys and girls all cuted out. and wishing i could be a scenester then realizing that's just not who i am.

i want the straylight's piano pieces. i miss being surrounded by music and love.

i'm repeating again, huh.


i guess i'm still trying to find my home. and i'm trying to do this on my own because what happens when bernard isn't here anymore. i can't fall apart. i can't have another 4 years of being completely miserable and being self destructive.

i want someone to ride buses with me and it doesn't matter where we're going because life is too short and we just need to live a little. i don't care where i end up because i know in the end, i'll be in the right place. i want to see the world as cliche as it sounds. we don't need to talk cuse the silence will be comfortable.

we'll lie under the stars and smoke a joint. maybe pop some pills and feel like we're injecting happiness but the thing is, it's not going to be temporary. this has been so long.

sometimes i sit on the stairs outside and stare at the smoke from my cigarette. i've been falling into my own world again.

once things stop getting so hectic, i want to start writing letters. i know i've said this a billion times, but i swear i'm going to try really hard this time to stick with my word. maybe they'll be half a page. maybe they'll be 5 pages. they probably won't make sense and all in all they'll just be little pieces of me scattered everywhere but i just want to do it.

just do this isn't a text only postCollapse )
(4) reply

[12 Feb 2005|06:40pm]


too big? shutup. it's only one picture.
this is what happens when you have to wait 20 minutes for the bus. love it. live it.

expect more in friends only.



ps. the pixels are being funny.
(7) reply

[10 Feb 2005|09:42pm]
sometimes i really hate this LE JAY.
a few days ago, i wrote this long vent and everything got deleted. excellent. and now i'm too lazy to rewrite it all. it seems like i'm giving up on the whole idea that everyone is really geniune inside and not everyone is just looking for a piece of ass. but it seems like every minute i'm here, i keep getting proven wrong.

now this is about brittney. people in friends only know who i'm talking about.
strike #1.
her friend on the 2nd floor likes this boy. brittney then decides to make bets with people that she can sleep with him. and of course she wins because who's really gonna pass up easy pussy? she then says, "oh. he liked me more." just keep telling yourself that, sweetie.

strike #2.
i tell her i like jesse. what does she do? turn around and sleep with him. but it's okay honey, no one ever liked sloppy seconds. (oh yeah, for all of you who don't know, this is while me and bernard were on a break). she gets confronted by my friend bailey and she says, "um. i didn't know she liked him."
bailey: she told you she did.
brittney: well, um. i thought she only liked him a little bit.
bailey: right.

strike #3.
bailey is the nicest person you will EVER meet. so fucking sweet and everything. this boy, drew aka skinny, likes her. they sorta have a thing not really, but it's fucking cute. the day brittney found out he liked her, he was all over him. flirting and touching. yesterday, brittney, KNOWING SKINNY STILL LIKES BAILEY ALOT AND BAILEY KINDA MAYBE LIKES SKINNY, asked skinny to be her valenting. skinny, but the nice guy he is says yes.



now what kind of friend does that? then is completely confused to why girls don't like her. hm. let's think about this one. honey, we all know you're the dorm bicycle. please open your eyes a little bit and realize everyone thinks you're a dirty slut.

thank you.
(18) reply

[02 Feb 2005|12:00am]

happy late anniversary baby.
it's been a long ride and i'm still waiting for the bumps.

(14) reply

[26 Jan 2005|07:31pm]
so in less that 24 hours bernard and i will be having massive heartpulsing bodypumping going so hard it gets hard to breathe sex. maybe get some touchups on my tattoo. along with xbox live i'm giving bernard my first and only copy of the perks of being a wallflower because it changed my life and so has he.

the infinite line is a little overused but that's how i feel when i'm with bernard.

"I am very interested and fascinated by how everyone loves each other, but no one really likes each other."

"Sometimes, I look outside, and I think that a lot of other people have seen this snow before. Just like I think that a lot of other people have read those books before. And listened to those songs.
I wonder how they feel tonight."



god it's beautiful.


oh yeah. expect pictures after this weekend. yeah, friends only suckas.
(3) reply

[11 Jan 2005|02:22pm]
in 20 days, bernard and i will be celebrating our 1 year anniversary. hopefully if things plan out the way they should, there will be a romantic candlelight dinner with rose petals and me in this.Collapse )

besides that, there's really nothing too significant going on in my life. in a couple of weeks, my friends are throwing a sue me screw me party. my dress will be hot. random post, i know.
(5) reply

[09 Jan 2005|06:01pm]
nobody ever said starting over was easy. i don't know why i continue to have expectations when i know they won't be met. i feel the start of 2005 has put me back in confusion. the past three weeks, i have been thinking about what i've learned and what i can bring into the new year, and now. i don't know.

this entry might be a little confusing, so i appologize.

it's funny how when you leave someplace, there's nothing people can do but move on. but the thing is, when you're back, it's not like they can stop their lives to catch you up. and i guess that's just how everything is now. things in san marino are the same. the people are still the same, the cliques and exclusiveness are still strong, then i come back here, and it's like i never really existed.

i know i'm being a little selfish, but i just wanted to come back to what i considered my home and feel like nothing's changed. god, i sound like such a little fucking whatever.

i'm going to try to be a little more outgoing in my classes this semester.


fuck. i can't even do this right now.
(1) reply

[09 Jan 2005|02:23pm]
i really need to be over this. over everything. long entry with jumbled everything later.
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